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The night that Lola made her journey is a blur, but I
do remember the pain, loneliness, and bottomless feeling of emptiness. I felt
empty because I couldn’t “feel” her. I wondered, “After 13 years
(to the day) of sharing an incredible bond, how is it possible I can’t feel her?”
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“Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.” C.S. Lewis
I slept in the clothes I wore on the last day I held
her and the last time she laid on me. The clothes I wore when she made her
transition. I could barely bring myself to take them off the next day. I felt
those clothes contained the last of her energy, spirit, and essence. I felt
taking them off would mean I would be losing the love we shared and that our
bond would be broken forever. And I would never be able to feel her again, no
matter how hard I would try.
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“As anyone knows who has lost an animal companion, the immediacy
of the loss blows through you as if you were an abandoned farmhouse.” Jackson
Galaxy
read on Futurism.com came to mind, and a slight sense
of comfort came over me. (This was no doubt Lola’s intervention.)
“Naps will never be the same.” Ricky Gervais
When Lola came home forever in 2011, she was still very ill. Our bond began when I nursed her back to health, and it grew and strengthened over the years. Lola was my constant companion, my shadow, and was never far from me. There was rarely a night when she was not in my bed or a morning when I didn’t wake up with her on top of me. She took over the nurse role when I was under the weather and rarely left my side.
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I hope she knows that one of her most significant accomplishments was turning me into a writer. Writing was something I never pondered. I didn’t even know that people had Facebook pages or blogs for their cats. She sparked a light in me that started in January 2011 and never stopped. We went on to write and publish her story, start a blog focused on rescue, win numerous awards, and grow our Facebook community to over 12,000 followers. That’s all because of you, Lola, and the inspiration you gave me.
The information I read on Futurism.com was this:
“Our energy is redistributed after we die. Energy cannot be created or destroyed. It simply changes states. In death, the collection of atoms of which you are composed (a universe within the universe) is repurposed. Those atoms and that energy, which originated during the Big Bang, will always be around. Therefore, your “light,” the essence of your energy, will continue to echo throughout space until the end of time.”
This uplifts me because it means Lola’s energy doesn’t live in the clothes I wore the last time I held her, or in her cat tree and little squishy pillow that now remain empty (and evoke sadness every time I look at them).
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It reminds me that her essence is in the sunbeams that warm Lexy’s fur as she naps in the window.
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She lives in the ripples of water in the harbor that flows behind my building. She is the breeze that brushes my face, the faint rustling of the leaves in the trees, the snowflakes that fall gently to the earth, the twinkling stars in the sky, and the moonlight that bathes my balcony in a soft glow when I sit there at night.
Lola’s essence is in the sunlight that glistens like diamonds on the Long Island Sound,
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Lola is everywhere.
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My soul is forever tethered to hers by an indestructible cord, and our bond transcends time, space, and dimension. It will never be broken, it can’t be. I know this because she visits me, gives me signs, continues to flood my mind with writing ideas, and guides my life in new directions. All from beyond.
“Remember, that this will pass, and with time, you will form
a new routine and new chapters of your lives will open.” Cesar Millan
Unfortunately, this doesn’t stop grief and the
unbearable feeling of missing her from rearing their ugly heads. Sometimes, as
I start to cry, my body is riddled with a bone-deep cold that makes me shiver
from way down inside my core. As I try to shake this by taking a deep breath, a warmth envelopes me. It’s a recognizable warmth, with a palpable familiarity. It’s as cozy as my favorite sweatshirt that I don on a chilly
night and as comforting as my first sip from my morning mug of
steaming hot coffee. It makes me feel safe and surrounded by love. As I take another deep
breath, I realize why the feeling is so familiar.
The warmth is Lola. She is always with me, and I can feel her deep within my heart.
And I’m sure Lexy can, too.
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Dawn
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